I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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