just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
