Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
