I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
