ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
