If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
