The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
there's paper in my vomit.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
