today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
