when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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