the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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