I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
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