I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I love how my cats smell like pot.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
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