They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
