I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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