new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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