Only a mothe r could love this liver
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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