I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.�
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
