How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
