I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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