Your dad touched me again.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
