Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
