My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
