The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
50% drunk capacity currently
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Randomize
