do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
