I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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