Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
i will never coherently bang her
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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