The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I supernannyed him into submission
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
