It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
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