Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
