the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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