I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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