this beer tastes like vomit already
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
