You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
