he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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