my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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