Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
