dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
