This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
