I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
