she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
