Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
