also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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