I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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