we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
