last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
MIDGETS
????
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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