I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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