Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
