I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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