I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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