She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Your cock deserves a montage
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
